The LostLand

Only Reminds Me of You

Been bz and tired to update blog past few weeks =p

So many things need to be done..

So many work need to do..

yet i still lost in this LostLand =)

So many movie still haven watch!!

Had a dream last night wayyyyyy back to primary school times..

wonderful memories~

Currently addicted to Jed Madela's song - Only Reminds Me of You.

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bedsheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:

"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.

My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say....

I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letter before they turn to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart....

Dear Mummy,

I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appear?

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....

For the females with children:

Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.

For the married men:

Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients.

Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.

Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.

For those singles out there:

Beauty lies in loving yourself first.

With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.

Scary Dream...

well...just another blog~

had a super weirdo dream last night..

its kind of scary too..

it start off where i'm in a some village in the jungle i think...it was a night..

this village is weird coz its surrounded by 4 feet high towers between every 50 meter gap..

the next scene comes...some villagers climb the towers seems like looking for something..

and...ALL the towers starting to explode and burns all the ppls..

those ppls who catch fires starting to running around...

i wanted to run as in out of the village like what other ppls is doing..but those towers that surrounding the village keeps exploding..and hitting those ppls..

the next scene come out...its morning already..

and i'm safe...still in the village and walking around the burned houses and towers...its kind of scary coz those burned houses creating those scary noises...Zz

then the next scene i was in one of the house in the village with a guy and 2 girl..

cant really see their faces so dunno who are them..

we were chatting on the bed half way..then 1 of the girl suddenly lost control and start killing 3 of us..walao...

the moment when that guy died..and i'm awake!!!by my alarm phone...

damn scary wei...what's happening to me?

what is this dream trying to tell me???

A little Unwell

I'm not crazy,i'm just a little unwell~

Yesterday is horrible..its a rainy day..

plus..really feel a little pain in the heart..

dun understand why..and dun even wan to understand too~

just feel like wan to staying away from the city!!!!

i will miss you till tomorrow. And i will repeat it again tomorrow.

the past few days was crazy...
i think i spend more than RM400 in 3 dayz...
full of japanese foodzzzz....

Went to subang parade last Saturday right after work
support teddy and their Fun Test Trick Event there..
its quite disappointing..as it was already raining..
then some of them din turn up..no teamwork..
hmm..kind of sad seeing this..
i wonder the Anime Hanabi Festival on 15th nov how..
At least at berjaya time square should be better..lolx
had dinner at Sakae Sushi with louis,eileen and jason..

Sunday morning reported at bear's mum newly open shop
was treated a super huge wan tan mee..
continue with lunch with louis and jason at Zen buffet restaurant..
a must try buffet..its so nice and worth for it.. =)

Stayed in Arcade centre with the gengs till night
had dinner at Concorde hotel in Shah Alam..Nyonya food~superb!!
ended the day with sing k at redbox till 3am..LOLX!

This morning had a bad feeling as i feels that something gonna happen..
feels scared to go to office..dunno why..
went to Pavillion dinner with jason at Kampachi fine dinning Japanese restaurant..
the bill almost reached 300bucks..and thx to him coz he's treating me..lolx..

Random pics~Term 3 last Kitchen Practical class...

I think this is the orientation night..maybe...

Staying with someone you really love even if you know you two can't be together for a lot of reasons is like standing under the rain... It feels good but you know it will soon make you sick

Wishing it away

Another boring day yesterday!!!

leaving the office around 10pm..i'm so lifeless..

at least got faizal teman me.haah!

sometimes i feel how sad his life is..lolx..

every single day he's working more than 12 hours..

i think he spend time in the office more than home..

coz he's handling group booking...ALONE!

and he's doing part time studies in Hotel Managemnt..

and he have to spend time with his gf too..

no idea how he will have enough time for them.. =S

I can't talk to you anymore,
it's not that that i am mad at you,
It's just that when i talk to you
I realise how much i love you
and when i realize how much i love you,
i realize i can't have you and
that makes me even love you more.

Keep Throwing~

sometimes i run..sometimes i hide..
sometimes i'm scared of you..lala~

yesterday was horrible day..
every single 1 kena scold by my manager till de-motivated to work..
and that even make me no appetite to eat lunch that day..
really skipped my lunch for the very first time..Zz
tahan till 9pm and eat at home..s2pid day..

at least today was ok a bit..coz yam char session~
with 2 long lost leng lui~dunno how many years din sit down and chat edy..
4 years?or 5?..lolx..
The Fashion Designer~Snowy..waterfiiiiiiiiisssssssshhhhhhhhhh~
The HairStylist - Yumi-San!!!!
still waiting for steamboat day...we all super bz la..hav to wait till January? =(

Pics from Graduation Day!